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I am getting involved with someone and it is scaring me.  I have been avoiding writing because I am so terrified.  I don't want to let anyone close, so I just turn things into one-nighters.  Problem is I have to talk to this guy every night at work.  It sucks.  I hate emotions and letting people close.  I am afraid of being too vulnerable.  Like I was when I was a child. 

I'm sorry that I haven't written.  When I start a relationship, I withdraw.  including from the person I'm having one with. 

Feeling ok


So I feel okay today.  It's weird.  I think that working overnights = bad for me.  I worked the day shift at my per-diem job both Friday and Saturday and I felt good.  I should at least try and go back on evenings.  Yeah, like I'll ever do that.

It's sleeting out, so I called in to my full-time job.  I'm going to my staff appreciation dinner for there this friday, which is a joke.  But I did buy a new outfit and purse for it.  I'll be in Orange Co. on the 5th of Dec.  That's when Andrew gets out.  He was supposed to stay in Orange Co., but he is skipping out on his parole.  DUMB ASS!!! 

People are telling me that I should go out more.  But going out by yourself sucks.  It looks like you're looking to get laid.  That bi-sexual girl at my per-diem job wanted to go out Friday night.  We went to Red Lobster for dinner, but I didn't want to go drinking.  She is hot.  I really like her.  I guess she's not really "hot", I just like her open personality.  She reminds me of 2 people I used to be really good friends with. 

I guess maybe I am doing better?  I feel good.  I think the Wellbutrin increase is kicking in.  At least, I feel good when I am not at my full-time job.... 

Tomorrow, I am watching my Young and the Restless and getting snow tires put on...

work

I know that I am a paranoid person in general, but I feel like everyone is trying to get me fired at work and that everyone hates me there.  For instance, I know that 2 guys were talking about me, because when I came into the room, they stopped mid-sentence.   One of the guys' wife made food for everyone, but didn't give me any.  It's just little shit like that that I dwell on.... I really detest going in there.  I like my per-diem job better, but I don't want to work there full-time.  I feel like quitting my full-time job and just working a bunch of agencies per-diem and paying cobra for my health insurance.  I feel like a loser. 

I wish I had Andrew to vent to.  I think that's getting to me too.  He gets out of jail on the 5th and is leaving for FL.  I won't know where he is.  I won't hear from him again.  :-(((  I know that he is a bad person, but I can't help the way I feel about him.  I feel so guilty for what I did to him.  He was crying out for help last year and I fed him to the wolves.  He spent a year of his life locked up because of me.  I should have let him vent to me.  Instead, I wanted to go to sleep because I was so depressed and I was getting too close to him, so I wanted him to go.  So I told him to call his ex who can't stand him.  He was so drunk that he was slurring.  I am so ashamed of what I did.  He is not innocent in everything and he is a drug addict/alcoholic, so he violated his parole anyway for using, but I should have talked to him all freakin' night that night.  I thought he had killed himself when he didn't call the next day.  I felt such guilt.  I wanted to tell him how in love with him I was...  I could never say that to him when it mattered.  And before all of that went down, he spent last Thanksgiving alone, with no one while I put my cellphone on voice-mail.  I acted like such a guy, had sex with him for 1 night and then didn't want to talk to him.  i feel like God will punish me.  I have done so many things to hurt him....  I didn't even sleep with that guy at work, but I told him I did to make him jealous.  I am a liar and a user. 

I feel like I deserve every bad thing that happens to me.  I wish I would die, but I don't have the guts to kill myself. 

I hate the holidays.  I always have.  My mother has the whole family over and tries to act like we're normal. I feel anger towards her for that.  She forgets all of the years we lived through hell....  I was invited to ryan's house, but my mother said it would be rude to go there....  Fuck her.  I am 27 years old.  Just because I am insane doesn't mean I am a little baby who can be bossed around.

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dreamicide
bethinpe
bethinpe

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